THE SEARCH FOR MR. ADEQUATE
Part XVIII
By SUSAN SILVER

Okay, one of the first things we are supposed to do is set aside 10-20% of our income for the “marketing budget.” We are marketing ourselves here. You are to even borrow it if you don’t have enough. It’s to be put in a bank account called “Husband Search.” (And when your family or whomever you borrowed from finds out about it and have you committed, you can probably use it to bribe the nurses to let you out of the padded cell. If they haven’t taken away your check writing privileges.)

Or maybe I am being too harsh. Some of the things you are to spend it on are new clothes ... I like that part ... new hairstyle and color ... okay ... gym membership. Hey, this sounds like my budget even if it has zero to do with finding a husband. And I don’t even have to open a new account but those toaster ovens they give away aren’t bad.

Next you are supposed to make all everyday decisions based on finding the hubby. It’s called Program Thinking Method. Or PTM, not to be confused with PMS. Everything you do has to take into consideration if there will be guys there. Drink coffee in the morning? Go out to Starbucks rather than brewing your own at home. Oh oh. That would mean I’d have to get out of my nightie before noon. Not for me, but let me know how it goes, won’t you? Easy on the sugar and cream, remember you are to stay thin.

With your ‘Free Time’ you are to only pick activities that men would choose. So basketweaving and making scrapbooks is a no-no. Classes in building furniture out of old beer cans is a better bet, I’d guess.

This next tip made me laugh out loud. I can’t help it. When you have a break at work, do not waste it going to the Ladies Room because ... you got it. Men are in the men’s room! I guess having really good kidneys is crucial to dating these days. Gee and just as women over a certain age are starting to worry about that anyway. And hovering outside the men’s room seems a little Michael Jackson ... but what do I know? This book was a best seller!

Now you are ready for the big outing. (No ... not that. If you are a lesbian, I don’t think any of the above applies. At least in Hollywood. Gay women are dropping mates and finding them everyday according to the tabloids.)

You are to “out” your goals to the world at large. That’s right. You are to ... and I am not kidding here ... ”go public like an IPO.” Inform by phone, email, carrier pigeon, flyers on bathroom stalls ... okay maybe I exaggerated a bit but tell at least 150 people you are looking for Someone Wonderful.

First of all, I don’t know 150 people. Of course, maybe if I did, they’d fix me up. Hmmm. But anyway, you are to not describe the Someone anymore than as ‘Wonderful.’ Because if you say, tall, dark, handsome etc. you eliminate someone wonderful who maybe short, blonde and cute. In fact you are to purposely go out with three people who are nowhere close to what you want, just to open your horizons. I know this is a good idea and I’ve tried a few times but couldn’t get through the salad. At this point, I know what I like. Sorry. But I do. And he is someone wonderful, but is either married to others, too young or named George Clooney.

Oh My God! Then the Author gives a sample of a direct-mail card someone actually sent out while doing this part. She left little blanks so that someone could make check marks if they knew someone to fix her up with.

Like ___Doctor ___Plumber ___ex-spouse. She mailed 90 cards and got 14 replies. I have a reply for her but there may be children surfing the net.

Then you are to find a Mentor. A woman to be your support system and buddy through this campaign. They should be genuinely fond of you, smart, a positive person ... no Mopey Molly. They should be candid ... enough to tell you that you have lipstick on your teeth at least ... and best of all, married. She says in the book that is “because you can learn from her mistakes.” And if she is happily married she won’t be competitive. That part makes sense. And the part about not making her mistakes ... well, I don’t know about your friends but mine who have made mistakes are no longer married to them!

Oh yeah, and you are to buy them little thank you gifts a lot. And since no good deed goes unpunished, you should ask them to stand up for you at the wedding if it occurs and spend a ton of money throwing you showers etc. on top of having been subjected to your daily calls and cries for help. Sounds like friendship on steroids to me.

Next you are to “package yourself.” You are the product and you are to do research to create yourself as a new brand ... new and improved that is. You are to pick three honest men ... or three wise men if you are the religious type ... and ask them specific questions about yourself with suggestions for improvement. This is an exercise in masochism but she calls it marketing.

You need a thick skin for this exercise and are supposed to nag the shit out of people until they tell you the truth. Oh I don’t think so.

Then you are to do a marketing plan in which you find three words that best describe your package ... I mean you. You must be a well defined ”brand.” The brand notion is actually kind of interesting in that she says you have to stand out amongst the other ... are you ready ... 28 MILLION women fighting for the 18 million men over thirty five. (Most of whom, you remember are looking for younger women than you.) Oy.

You choose words about yourself from lists on Physical, Personality, and Other. Other is what makes you unique. Short, dull, and hairy. That’s an example of a brand that sucks for a woman ... or a man, come to think of it. Tall, fun, and athletic is too common. I get it ... ok. I am sexy, witty, and what makes me special from all the other sexy, witty types? My male friends whom I forced to help me with this exercise said after “sexy” they didn’t care about Other. I picked “talented.” And I’m not saying how. No, as a writer of course, she said modestly. That is how I’m to market myself.

Okay. But the dumb part is you are supposed to subliminally put that into conversation with all the people you are asking to find you Someone Wonderful. As if they will absorb it by osmosis and refer to you that way automatically from now on. Oh, sort of like hypnosis. You are getting very drowsy ... you are getting very drowsy.

And I am too. So that’s all I will tell you now ... the rest of this book and others will be next week. You have enough on your plate right now. At least this way I am saving you the price of the book which you should be putting into your new bank account. Right? Or sending to me as a thank you gift.

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