THE SEARCH FOR MR. ADEQUATE
Part 58

By Susan Silver

Tuesday’s New York Post had a photo that ruined my day. And I bet a lot of baby boomer men’s as well. There, larger than kindness would dictate, was a photo of Brigitte Bardot on crutches. The crutches were the best part. From the neck up was the horror!

Ms. Bardot is 71 and while some would say ‘admirably’ ... I would say ‘frighteningly’ has chosen to grow old sans plastic surgery. Get me to a doctor asap!

Too much sun and too many croissants have led to three or four, losing count ... chins. Wrinkles and sags accompany décolletage resembling the crocodile bag she, an animal lover, would never wear. And I weep.

She looked like someone who was put into those bad latex fat suits that approximate reality for a sketch. But this was real.

Yes, it is truly superficial I know, but I don’t care! She was my image of sexuality with sweetness growing up. On the Adequacy Scale she was “The One.” I had a crush on her. I wanted to be her. I wore the San Tropez little pink and white checks and piled my hair high. I still have the beige lipstick called ‘Bardot.’ While she was no Julie Christie (my other role model) as an actress, she was the 60’s sex kitten personified and respect must be paid.

But as Nancy Kerrigan once screamed ... whyyyyyy?

Why does time take its toll so badly? Why did she have to let herself go like this? She is a renown animal lover and spends her time and effort on saving seals but, hey Brigitte, what about us gals? You are scaring me and men as well who will now start dating 11 year olds so they don’t have to see wrinkles. I will be getting all sorts of nasty emails about this but let ‘em come. I did not want to see that photo. And that bell cannot be unrung.

Now moving on to present day sex kittens ... is anyone else embarrassed by Sharon Stone? A great beauty with supposedly a high I.Q., she makes me cringe whenever she is interviewed.

She traveled to Israel and sat next to Shimon Peres for a press conference and whether it was nerves or drugs or jetlag, she started squawking like a chicken and screaming out how everyone wants to know if she is naked ... or as she so cutely put it “neked” in her new movie! Lady, you are with a statesman who is blushing and not because he is turned on.

She is doing the rounds because of this movie, which shall remain nameless because I don’t care about giving it a plug and the previews look ridiculous, and she is constantly discussing her “tits” or her crotch and laughing manically as she calls attention to the attention she purports to not understand they receive.    

What is wrong with her? And why is she so bloody insecure? And if you’ve ever seen her dance at an Aids function to raise the bidding ... remember Elaine’s dance on Seinfeld? You get the picture. Stone PR folks, stop her before she kills again. Or dances. Or speaks.

As you can tell, I had way too much time on my hands this week, as I had a little stomach flu thingee, thus was watching TV. What a week for reality shows! Get that TIVO ready, you folks who have a life and program these shows in for when you are sick.

TV OR TIVO ... that is the question

‘American Idol’: Simon is my god. He really does tell it like it is and is witty while doing it. This week one of the top girls who has a good voice sang totally off key and he raved about her being wonderful. I called LL, my friend who watches, but doesn’t vote, and she and I both agreed that it was an awful performance.

The next night, this girl was in the bottom three to everyone’s shock ... except me and LL. Simon said he’d watched the televised performance again and changed his mind. She was off key! She survived this time, but everyone is vulnerable.

So vote for your favorites, kiddies. Now I know most of you out there are asking why would I be watching and worse, voting. But I can’t help it. Reality TV is addictive and it is my pleasure ... not even “guilty.”

In case anyone cares, my favorites are the prematurely grey haired guy who is totally challenged in the movement department, ala Joe Cocker ... but is a real original and Elliot, the guy who looks Amish, now that they’ve given him a beard in an effort to “style” him. He can really sing and though he is not handsome, he deserves to stay on. Perhaps not be the Idol, which implies looks and charisma, but I’m rooting for the underdogs this time.

Next show, ‘The Apprentice.’ This year’s crop is not as appealing, but the show dynamic and tasks are interesting to me. Last season’s winner, Randall, was an extremely bright and successful young man and I really can’t figure out why he’d want the job, except for TV time. This season’s bunch probably need the gig but I’m not sure The Donald will be getting any prizes.

In the group, the Mensa guy, who is good looking and impressed me the first week, has turned out to be arrogant and a screw up. Fire him!

I have no favorites and think the show is probably winding down in impact as the ratings seem to prove. In a desperate last minute gasp for relevance, they have added the capability to have the Apprentices be on your cellphone ring and the winner now will also be picked with the audience votes. Ho Hum and snore.

A new show: ‘Unanimous’ combines ‘Survivor,’ ‘ Big Brother,’ and Lord of the Flies. It’s really scary ... in the emotional sense, not ‘Fear Factor’ eating weird things and risking your life sense.

The premise is 10 people are locked in a bunker ... the word itself lends that Nazi kind of vibe, doesn’t it? By unanimous vote, they have to reward one of them, $1,500,000. They lose money each second they don’t come to a decision, and if any one wants to leave, it costs half the money.

They are deprived of daylight and it seems their sanity. A “host” appears on a Big Brother kind of screen to give them rules and regs and a disembodied female voice calls them together to spring surprises and its gripping! And kind of horrifying.

So far a bigoted black woman who is a minister and hates gays has gotten into it with a white gay guy. No way they will be voting for each other I guess.

There are occasional revealings of secrets and the person (unnamed) whose secret is deemed the worst by vote is then named and made an “outcast” and has to wear a vest with a symbol on it ... X. I told you it was facist, didn’t I?

So far an overweight and seemingly good guy truck driver almost made the money but one guy who is lying and saying he has testicular cancer for the sympathy vote, betrayed everyone and voted for someone else thus voiding the vote. Whew! And this is only the second week.

So, if this seems interesting, tune in. If not, I understand.

Then there is a new quiz show ‘Deal or No Deal.’ It’s too complicated to describe now but suffice to say, people are stupid and greedy. And it’s fun to watch them get punished.

The last and final show is a real tearjerker. In the genre of Extreme Makeover for your face or your house ... this one really is a “mitzvah.”

(Ask Jewish friends for a translation, but ‘good works’ is close.)

The show is ‘Miracle Worker’ on Sunday night and I’m going to plug the network because it is so wonderful...ABC. The premise is that adults and children who are at the very end of their search for medical miracles get saved by some brilliant doctors.

The Host is a gorgeous Doctor, which doesn’t hurt ... but the real connection is with these patients. Blind fathers who have never seen their kids, a teenage girl with Tourettes so bad that she injures herself ... you get the idea. It sounds icky but trust me it is so amazing to see them cured you will cry and ‘kvell’ ... again ask the Jewish friends but it’s like “beam.”

The one that got to me was a darling little boy of 5( same age as Ben) who had such bad curvature of the spine he couldn’t breathe. He was so cute and of such good spirit and though it was life threatening, they operated. The cliff hanger was the operation went badly and they had to wake him up to see if he was paralyzed. Well, I was sobbing so loudly my neighbors probably were going to call the police.

I had to tell myself “it will turn out or they wouldn’t do it on TV” and of course it did. He is now totally normal, running around and both LL and I watched the second half while on the phone with each other because we needed support!!

This is a winner and really makes you feel good. I know the network is counting the dollars ... but I don’t care. Good on ya! I hope it runs forever!

Oh, and Gorgeous Doctor Host ... call me.    

And the rest of you, please go on my blog:

http://MrAdequate.blogspot.com and see what I really think! No, just kidding ... actually it deals with other issues. And I welcome your remarks.

Or, email me here at susan@newyorksocialdiary.com as they haven’t been putting it at the end of the column and I miss hearing from you lately.  

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P.S. In the interest of fairness, I just saw Sharon Stone on The View and she was normal. Maybe she’s different when she’s around all women vs. men.