THE SEARCH FOR MR. ADEQUATE
Part XXII
By SUSAN SILVER

And I am not the only one having no sex! My friend Stan, having recently broken up with the last of many difficult girlfriends, has decided not to have anymore flings. Just serious relationships. He has actually been alone for two weeks ... a first for him. Therefore he will be getting cranky too, and soon, if you follow me.

Lizzie, who has the Delivery/Lover (see Column X) lately has just been going to dinner with him ... no sex. He doesn’t seem that interested except to call and talk dirty over the phone at all hours of the morning when she is sound asleep. Her answer machine is steaming, however. But he doesn’t actually make a move in person. We are assuming it is age. This is too passive aggressive even for him!

But she is getting so pissed off at him that she feels no desire either, except the Lorena Bobbitt kind. However, while also cranky, she is at least getting a good meal once every other week and wearing some of her vast wardrobe. Although I am advising her to dump him all together because he really is a jerk. And not the common garden variety kind. She is not “allowed” to ask him anything personal! Have you ever? After thirty years of this crap, I have had it! By osmosis that is, as I’ve never even met him.

Deb ... now this is interesting. After no sex in twenty plus years, she is suddenly craving it. Since she has not met anyone in all that time that she is attracted to, except Mr. Magic ... shipboard romance that went nowhere ... she is now like a rabbit in heat. She just had her face done and looks really good. And dangerous. She is obsessed with finding someone to do it with and since this is a stage some of us went through years ago ... I find it interesting, and cute. As long as it doesn’t happen to me. Cause, these days I’m not that interested either. Though it’s not age, (she said forcefully) it’s just lack of partner in my case. But I do miss the cuddling part. Maybe we should get pets.

The problem is, it’s a hell of a lot harder to find a partner these days. So ... and here is where I come into it ... .Deb has come up with a plan. She decided to go to London and then cruise home on the Queen Mary 2 since her luck seems good on the water. And I ... am going with her! I had been wanting to the cruise part myself and spur of the moment said I’d do it with her. She is leaving a few weeks earlier and then I join her and spend a few days in London and we go on to Scotland before the cruise.

We are sharing a room in London and Scotland, but have our own cabins, though adjoining, on the Boat. (I think it’s best as the cabins are not huge and she might get lucky and I don’t want to be pacing the hallways or walking the plank as it were, waiting to get back in.) I suppose I might get lucky too, but I doubt it as these days are not as carefree as the olden days when it comes to vacation romances, are they? Ah the good old days.

“ Memories ... like the corner of my mind ... ”

There was the really cute rock singer who was thirteen years younger and this adorable really young (21) hockey player from the U.S. that I met in Russia ... but that was before Chernobyl and oh well ... never mind.

Back to the present lack of sex. My two girlfriends in LA with whom I stay have not had sex in forever and one is too busy and the other one “doesn’t care.” Two more crankies.

My hair colorist (Not Mr. Joey who only cuts) also has not had a “relationship” for a while. And since he is not into quickies, he will be cranky any day now. He has kind of lost hope in finding “the one.” He still believes there is “the one ... ” a philosophy I have tried to disabuse him of ... but he’s only twenty-nine. He’ll learn.

Hey ... maybe this is why we have wars! Too many cranky macho men not getting any. Hmmm ... I think we should call Mrs. Donald Rumsfeld and get her busy, don’t you. Let’s do it ... all of us. 202--------------

Continuing on the topic of sex ... and you know you want me to ... as I lay in my bed the other night, I happened upon a documentary on the Discovery Channel. Yes, it has come to that. It was about Sex from the Biological aspect. Worse, it’s come to this! But it was really interesting.

It promised to show us what happens from “arousal to exctasy.” Oooh!! A view of the “orgasm from the inside out.” Oooh oooh. The program used amazing animation of the human private parts derived by putting an attractive human couple on top of each other and scanning them
inside an imaging machine for twelve minutes while they held perfectly still.

However, inside, their blood and other ‘reflexes’ were going crazy. These reactions were converted into animation which was used throughout the program to make points. We were thus able to see the ‘biology of attraction and mating.’ Which made it scientific and not pornographic. Hahaha.

Yet, it was strange seeing private parts ‘animated’ through the clothes of people walking down the street but it was educational. Ok, ok..I did get a tad excited when stuff started moving and growing ... even in cartoon form. I told you it’s been awhile. In fact, I am having a lot of trouble reading my notes which are rather illegible but I’ll do the best I can.

Did you know that only 3% of mammals mate for life? Humans are supposed to be in that batch! But if not, it’s all nature’s fault. Three hundred million sperm are out looking for one little egg! Little animated sperm are shown hysterically swimming and seeking. The egg preens.

You guys just had to spill that seed anywhere. So you do have an excuse but a lame one. Since women had to keep a guy around for food and protection after mating, (you thought it was just ask you ‘what you are thinking’ as you want to fall asleep) our needs were much more complex when we chose a mate. And that made us much fussier. What in the hell is our excuse now though? Four million years have passed since we stood and faced each other and that was the last we evolved? Back to the notes ...

Uh ... let’s see ... women have ten per cent more body fat to handle the baby making ... so there! It’s God’s way of saying forget the dieting and just keep eating the Rocky Road.

Love and attraction take place in the limbic system just like other “addictions.”

Various couples describe what turns them on and they are shown kissing and touching. People start describing their orgasms ... and ...

My notes get very rushed and unreadable at this point.

Well, the bottom line seems to be that we are wired for sex, and love is a rather modern and relatively new aspect that society has connected to it. And, maybe those other 97% mammals that do not look for permanent attachment are on to something.

After all, another little factoid I clipped ... 70% of Japanese women who are single prefer not to wed and believe that they can live happily alone for the rest of their lives. Wow ... that seems a bit high but I haven’t dated in Tokyo.

Now along with cranky I am depressed! And a little paranoid as I am getting threatening messages on the Internet. But not from a person.

I told you last time that I keep getting the “matches” from old dating sites I had gone on in the Search. I put in my “requirements” like age, height, weight and other relative desires. They keep sending me matches that are nowhere and I mean nowhere in the vicinity of my requests.

So I didn’t re up nor have I answered any of the emails from the “prospects” and I don’t mean to be unkind, but old, fat, strange looking and weird were NOT what I had asked for. I’m funny that way. But a certain Internet Site itself turned on me! It sent me a very hostile email saying I had been “terminated.” Not a very harmonious term from Eharmony was it?

Well, Dear Reader, next week I am taking a short trip to Washington D.C. for a forum on the Mid East. (You know I do have that other rather more serious job I do pro bono.) I will scan the Capitol for someone interesting in between achieving World Peace and report back in two weeks. And by then ... perhaps I won’t even be cranky! And wishing the same good luck to all of you.

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