THE SEARCH FOR MR. ADEQUATE
Part 62

By Susan Silver

People! Heed my call! If we do not do something we will have to put up with cell phones on airplanes!! Help!!

I had two near misses of out and out violence last week. Walking down the street, a woman was yelling into her phone beside me. I jumped at first from the volume. I then glared at her, which you know does no good. I walked rapidly to get away and ahead of me was a guy yelling into his. I crossed the street to avoid a real altercation. I am wising up a bit … since my other close call. But everyone I passed was yelling into their phones! I was running down the street as if it were a dream/nightmare or a sketch on Mad-TV.

Then, speaking of mad … on the bus...where it is impossible to get away, a fat and odoriferous woman was standing above me and screaming into her phone at immeasurable decibels. I looked up and she was so busy conversing, she didn’t notice. I turned around to the woman behind me who just smiled and shrugged. As if to say … ”what can we do?”

But, Dear Readers, you know I would not settle for doing nothing. I continued staring up and finally turned my body so that I was facing into her vast belly. No, she was not pregnant, just fat. Finally she looked down and glared at me and I glared back. But she kept yelling about work and how everyone is against her. I wonder why?

Then as I continued staring up, she said, “What’s your problem?” Aha … seizing the opportunity. I replied in a soft and decorous tone, to draw an implied difference, “You are. You are yelling into your phone and it’s become my problem.”

She said “too bad.” And that was the end of that. Because I now know I can get knifed. Fortunately I got off at the next stop, but I purposely moved another person into the seat to make sure “fat and loud” didn’t get it.

Can you imagine what our lives will be like in the air if cell phones become

ubiquitous? “Road rage” will be nothing to compare to “air rage.” I myself would consider throwing someone out of the plane.

So, write your Congressperson and say that you do not want them to allow it! Please, for my sake if not your own.

Moving on …

Apropos of my last week’s discussion about older women and younger men … a few rules: (Note: my Dear Editor wrote he noticed people like rules and let’s see if he is right.)

1. If you can be the guy's mother age wise ... best not to date him. A ten year discrepancy seems right to me.

2. As in retro wardrobe, if you wore it the first time around, best not to do it this time. That is to say, if he is the age you were in college ... don't 'go there' as the kids say!

3. If you are a teacher and he is any age that ends with "teen" ... uh uh.

4. I recently read about a commune where all sorts of odd types have gathered and a woman who started it is 83 and married to a guy 38. If the ages can be reversed ... stop, immediately! Or, maybe it's congratulations ... you go girl! (Note to this woman: call me, I'd like some advice since you were married five times and don't appear to be a "looker.")

5. If it embarrasses you when people say, "Oh is this your nephew/son/grandson?" ... it's not for you.

6. If you have more money than he does ... probably not a good idea. If you have more money than God ... then go for it. It doesn't matter then ... think fifties Debutante and any actor she married ... though it usually ended badly.

7. A really gorgeous, intelligent and not skuzzy Star who was 13 years younger gets one extra points, she bragged. But that is just for one nighters.

8. After a woman is 40, obvious "boy toys" are gross, so get it out of your system young. That is advice to Jennifer Lopez only.

9. Being a “baby sitter instead of a nurse,” as Ivana put it, has its appeal. (But see Rules 6 and 8.)

10. In all seriousness … one of the only good things about getting older is not giving a hoot what people think so if it feels good, do it!!

Case Studies:

An old friend/writing partner of mine has been married for over twenty years to a guy who is seven years younger than she. She says it is the best relationship she’s ever had. He has vitality, is not hung up on gender roles and thus, does the cooking and cleaning up! He also sort of worships her, which is always nice. If you like that sort of thing.

A new friend who is a widow and fun to hang out with, was depressed a few weeks ago, unlike her. Then the last time I saw her she seemed up and happy. After a little grilling … hell, she couldn’t wait to spill the news … she told me she recently had sex! No wonder she is cheered up.

A guy, ten years younger, who has been after her for a while finally convinced her to go for it. She knows it won’t be a “real relationship” as there are too many complications which I won’t go into … ok ok … unpleasant divorce proceedings … but it’s a great thing for now. “Friend with benefits” she now she explains it. Good for her, we say jealously.

As to the younger guy that I went out with … we are going to Chelsea art galleries next Saturday. He did however email me that “what I thought he was thinking was indeed what he was thinking” so we might have to have the friend only conversation as he misses the ten year cut off. But we’ll see.

Confession: The truth is there are two younger men I am madly in love with. They easily give hugs and kisses, are always full of energy and vitality and their combined age is 8. It breaks all the above rules, but my precious boys are the perfect examples of why it’s great to be in love with younger guys. Nate and Ben at Soozie’s birthday

Respond to susan@newyorksocialdiary.com.