THE SEARCH FOR MR. ADEQUATE
Part XXVI
By Susan Silver aka Queen Susan

Deb had done several crossings on the Queen E II which she loved. Though I’d cruised the Caribbean, I’d never done a trans-Atlantic cruise before so I had nothing to compare it with. My overview:

The accommodations were wonderful. We were in the Queens Dining Level, which was the highest. We had our own concierge and superb service from our Butler, a darling girl who thought we were fun ... .or was that funny. Our adjoining rooms were each over 500 square feet, which is the size of many an apartment in New York! The cabins ranged from smaller in the next two levels down, but still lovely ... up to very grand duplexes with fabulous staircases and amazing tubs.

The food was plentiful and very good if not consistently great. Our dining room seated an “intimate” 250 as opposed to the larger one that was a two story affair with thousands. The service here and everywhere on the ship was fabulous. And I actually, for the first time in my life, had my fill of caviar and actually passed on it the last night.

And there was a food court if you didn’t want to eat in the dining room. We chose that for lunch. However, there is something about standing in line with a tray that doesn’t appeal to me ... at these prices. Correction: At any prices.

The people. Ah yes ... well how do I say this without getting into trouble. I was oh ... disappointed would be a good word. (Pissed would be a better one.) I’d had an image of David Niven in tux, gorgeous people with jewels and sophisticated banter.

Well, pictures those buses loaded with old lady gamblers going to casinos, sometimes with mates. Picture bermuda shorts and dangling cigarettes at the slot machines. Now don’t get me wrong ... I love gambling too. But in Monte Carlo or even Las Vegas. This was more like, well ... picture Atlantic City! Picture Bingo!

Perhaps the dollar being so low allowed non-American’s to take what would be for them a cheap vacation. Perhaps chic people have their own yachts. Perhaps I am a snob. Perhaps all of the above and even Deb was really disappointed and she plays bingo for God’s sake!

Okay ... now to details.

Things I loved:

1. Breakfast in bed. Yes! What’s not to like.

2. Hors d’oeuvres at 5 with champagne. Double Yes. Especially the ones with caviar.

3. The gym and spa facilities.

4. My own sun terrace even though there was only one day to use it.

5. Gambling when I win. And I did. I actually won a jackpot on the quarter slots. Deb is a major gambler ... well don’t call Gamblers Anonymous, but she gave herself a larger stake each night than I had given myself for the whole trip. Anyway, she played this machine a while and told me about it as it had an extra possibility of winning when you played three quarters. I, who only played one and occasionally two moved over, went for it and hit it big! Well, big enough to pay for my tips and the rest of my gambling.

When you win and the lights go off and the bells start clanging, everyone rushes over and it is exciting. Not as exciting as if I’d won the biggest jackpot of $5,000 (note to IRS) but I was still plenty happy. Deb was not but pretended to be for my sake.

Things I didn’t love:

1. No men for starters!

2. No men.

3. No men.

Well, of course there were men ... but no one we were interested in meeting. Deb, who had met Mr. Magic who was in the show on another cruise, didn’t even see anyone who was appealing in the crew! They did have the equivalent of ‘walkers’ ... I guess you’d call them ‘dancers.’ In their white tuxes they’d troll around the ballroom and when they saw single women, of which there were quite a number, they would ask them to dance, as was their job. No one asked me. Hmmm. But trust me ... it’s okay. One very strange one asked Deb and she went into a monologue of nerves of why she couldn’t dance, had hurt her foot ... all true, but a simple no thanks would have done the deed. But, you know our Deb.

Then, the only real male move on either of us was made by a tall German Dr., with an Alfred E. Newman type space in his teeth. He came up and asked Deb to dance also. She did the ‘why she couldn’t’ for a while, but he didn’t leave. He kept talking and she kept talking. He seemed nice enough but she wasn’t interested, though it was hard to tell as she kept talking, but eventually he walked away. (Later he started to stalk her and she was freaking out particularly when she saw him in his bermuda shorts and sandles with socks. Thick ankles. I told her it’s just easier to not talk to them, but you know our Deb.)

The only encounter I had with a man was when I was sunning topless on my terrace and a crewmember was cleaning out the lifeboats and looking at me directly across the railing.

There were lectures all day, some of which were interesting. There was entertainment at night. Some of which was good. There was a fabulous English singer who did songs from Andrew Lloyd Webber and when I asked one of the audience coming out of the early show if she was good ... she said “oh yes and she sang a lot from Elvita.” (This is not a typo.) So you get the picture.

There were gatherings of all kinds. Friends of Bill W ... .we didn’t go because somehow even reformed drinkers seemed risky. Singles parties ... another woman told me she had gone and there were a lot of women in their seventies and the walkers. She said the “only thing not provided was a knife so she could have slit her wrists.” That was enough information for us not to attend. And there were Friends of Dorothy meetings. For those of you who don’t know what that is ... ask your hairdressers. They were very well attended and seemed lively. (Note to Rosie: you don’t have to start gay cruises ... they already exist.)

Yes Dear Readers, the only good looking men were in couples and there were quite a few. As well as women couples, and one particularly interesting older woman about ninety who wore men’s clothes, bright rouge, and a beret. Not that there is anything wrong with that as Seinfeld says. Though Deb and I realized that in order not to be taken for a couple we had better coordinate our wardrobe each night ... but sometimes we did appear to be, as she coined it, Daphne and Cicely Dyke. It was the pantsuits I think. Well, as our Donald said ... ’kiss me tits and call me Phyliss!’ (Column XXIV)

The first two days I had real reservations about surviving the six day cruise. It seemed boring and once the novelty of exploring the ship had worn off, I was sure I’d be bored to death.

By the third day I was getting into it. And by the fifth day I was really upset that we were going to dock in the morning. Deb, who wants to live on a ship when she is old, had converted me. It really was an extremely relaxing experience ... with moments of great fun. Which I’ll admit were mostly self-created. I think I am funny to amuse myself ... and it works!

We bonded with our dining tablemates, two fun couples and a lovely single woman from Arkansas. Deb bonded more than I of course. She invited them all to come visit her in California, along with a half of the crew, and now is getting emails from several of the people all along the way expecting to actually come. She is concerned. I invited one couple to visit me in New York as they were spending a few days when we docked but they didn’t call. Hmmmm.

The first night an interesting couple from France was also at the table. He was tres amusant and she was tres jolie. The second night they asked to be moved ... said they wanted a table for two. I chose to believe it was that and not my practicing French that drove them away. She wound up being sea sick most of the trip. I had nothing to do with that.

Everyone kept asking if Deb and I were “sisters.” Blonde and tall I guess. And we do have big smiles. By the second day we had turned into our parents, discussing what we would eat at dinner while we were eating lunch. One of the best things about being on a ship is the moisture ... it does wonders for the skin and the hair! If I could live on the ocean, I’d look really good. (Note to anyone with a yacht ... I am available. But you know that already. Note to anyone at Silverseas or Crystal Cruises ... I am also available to cruise the Mediterranean with you anytime. The Butler told us that chic people travel these ships.)

So to sum it up ... we met no men but somehow it really didn’t matter. We had a ball. We laughed ourselves silly, met some great people. We learned a bit from each other. I stayed on budget. She didn’t but I stopped her from really going overboard ... metaphorically that is. She taught me to be a little more friendly and I taught her how to pack. We grew even closer as friends. No no ... not that close. Not that there’s anything wrong with it and yada yada yada.

Now that we’ve been home a few weeks, it’s a distant memory as all trips soon become. We’ve exchanged our photos and I have shown you a few and hope you enjoyed our adventures with us. Now it’s back to life as usual and we continue the Search stateside. Until next week ...

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