THE SEARCH FOR MR. ADEQUATE
Part XXX
By Susan Silver

WThe good news is they weren’t my dates. The bad news is they could have been. I stumbled across a new TV Show called “Hooking Up.”
It’s about that topic near and dear to our hearts, single readers…Internet Dating.

So I thought this was a great way to experience the experience…by watching someone else’s pain. Boy was it painful!

Ten women ranging in age from their early twenties to late thirties agreed to date from the Internet and let the cameras go along. They were a mix of attractive, semi-attractive and dog. I don’t mean to be unkind but the latter was so fussy about the looks of the men, I wondered if she had ever looked in a mirror.

Her photo was retouched and presentable and she was not. She was also a former dominatrix whose apartment looked like the back of a strip club after a kitsch attack. The only thing missing was the pole. A very clever guy called it “retrosexual.” He left quickly.

She went through a few bad dates surprised, because she had advertised that she was just looking for casual “hookups” ie. meaningless sex and figured she would have no trouble getting that. I guess guys are pickier than we give them credit for. One guy who didn’t “sleep around” was willing to give it a try but couldn’t go through with it and giggled nervously as he barely escaped from her lair.

I was thinking she should have answered the ad of a guy written about in a rather shocking article in a recent newspaper. A man on the Upper West Side advertises himself as a “Doctor,” no not playing one on TV, but in role playing. He promises an “adventure in sexual fantasy” in which he will pretend to be a doctor and give you…the patient, anything and everything you have ever wanted from a doctor…and more. If you are so inclined. He wears a white coat and stethoscope.

The guy actually has “return patients!” He is described by one as a kind of “Eugene Levy” type…think hysterically funny, eye glass wearing, curly haired comedian from Canada. The article goes into details of his “bed side manner” and he expresses his own surprise at how lucky he is in this little endeavor. He “operates,” so to speak, in a studio apartment that he has sort of decorated as a doctors office complete with out of date magazines. I swear to god! I am staying away from the Upper West Side from now on. And from real doctors…just in case they read the article and get ideas.

By the way, the before mentioned dominatrix/slut eventually found someone who moved in with her at Pussycat Redux. Mazel tov to them both.

Another dater on TV was a very perky desperate-to-wed young woman who thought being snippy was an attractive personality trait. She was dumped by several men who weren’t that great though she had convinced herself they were and determined to date herself silly until she found someone. She found someone and they seem happy. So far.

A third very pretty blond met a gorgeous rich playboy type. He dropped her and then they saw each other on the street and she called him. Listen up kids…this was a good move on her part as he called back and they decided to try it again. She cooled her ardor though she was still over the moon with his toys…yacht, limo and slicked back hair. We don’t know what will happen here, but we wish her luck. We like limos and yachts too and he was drop dead handsome minus the hair gel and not a bad sort once he “got over himself” as the kids say.

A few others found no one and decided to stop trying at present. One young woman found a great guy in the park! I think getting a dog is a good move.

What was interesting was the different perspectives shown by interviewing the guys. More often than not they thought things were going swimmingly, when the women were in the bathroom trying not to puke. Guys… do not over analyze the relationship every second while you are in it. Or at least, keep it to yourself. Do not gush over a girl until she gets nauseous, and please under no circumstance wear a variety of mismatched plaids on your first (and consequently, last) date.

I couldn’t help but feel bad for one guy who was really cute and rejected by an overweight overconfident chick who gave each date 20 minutes to show their stuff and not a minute more.

When he showed his manners by picking up the check even though she was rude, she scoffed at him for walking out first. Hey honey, he should have run screaming from you! Shall we all say together “control issues?”

The show’s producer was named Terence Wrong! I wonder if that is a pseudonym. Couldn’t be more appropriate.

What did we learn boys and girls? Dating is hard! Dating sucks! Sometimes when one decides to “give up” the person magically appears. But that is indeed rare. I think you do have to put in the effort. The Internet is a good vehicle for producing numbers and I know that it works. But to find that needle in the haystack takes tremendous energy, drive, patience, and I feel for younger people who really do want marriage and kids and have to go through what seems to be a much harder process than in my early dating days.

I met my ex-husband on the way to my college graduation. He was carrying a heavy trunk up the stairs of my apartment and had to wait patiently as my family descended past him. My mother said “now there’s a cute boy” and I said “oh mother!” And three years later we were married.

Well, he was dragged…kicking and screaming to the altar…would be a more accurate picture. He was happy just living together and my mother was constantly reminding me of the adage “why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?” It was that era, folks and if you think I’ll be more specific about dates, you’re nuts.

He was out of town on a business training when I finally told him I was going to go away to Europe for the first time with a girlfriend and he said innocently “Oh, I thought we’d do that together when we were married.” I said ”oh, ok,” immediately hung up, called my mother for two available dates at the temple, called him back and said “September 3rd or 10th” and before he knew what hit him….we were engaged.

And we had seven good years which is more than most have and for which I am grateful. There definitely is less pressure when you have been married once. You tell yourself you have loved and been loved and it is reassuring during the long dry spells without the emotion. But this is now getting ridiculous. I have been divorced a longgggg time.

The doorbell is ringing….it is Lizzie coming to give me ideas about redecorating the bathroom. Later…

Time flies when you’re having fun

Well, it’s an hour later and Lizzie and I have just spent most of it surfing an Internet Singles Site. She had never done it before as she is one of the few people in the Universe who doesn’t have a computer. I told her about the column and she wanted to see what a dating site is like. We went over 250 profiles…easy to do when you just are whipping through rejecting 99.9% as not appealing…at least to us.

She and I have totally different types and neither was abundant. She likes preppy, brown haired, boyish types. I like dark or gray and sexy.

She refuses to date anyone from New Jersey. I am not such a snob, but I do require height. She is only five feet, remember, so that’s no biggie for her, to coin a phrase. We are being really picky and it looks like there are no matches…at all. She decides she’d rather get the dog.

Ok, ok…I’ll admit it. We each finally found one guy who appealed. Hers is very cute and seems like a nice guy. Mine is gray, very handsome and yes, sexy. He seems intelligent and very interesting. We joined up for one month and answered the two ads. Now let’s see if either one of us hears back!!

Respond to susan@newyorksocialdiary.com