THE SEARCH FOR MR. ADEQUATE
Part 74

By Susan Silver

Let’s talk about sex, shall we? Or lack of same. Two stories, true of course, from friends.

Deb, our dear Deb, is getting ready to go on another cruise … well two of them, the glutton, but she announced to me that she was hoping to have sex.

Say what? (Column 1) For those of you who might remember … it’s been twenty-five plus years. But I say, go girl. She will be with her parents however, so sneaking away with the busboy might be problematic.

Now, another friend of the column wanted to pass on her own little horror story as a warning to us all. And we thank her. She is in my age group, that is somewhere between 50 and death. It had been a dry spell, so to speak, so she decided to have sex with an old boyfriend who has been trying for years to just be a “f------friend.” Because there was no one on the horizon, she agreed.  Mistake!

Things were going along fairly well as they got naked and stood in front of the full length mirror, both facing it, he behind her. (Note to women of a certain age … 1. do not turn around, 2. back out of the room, 3. do not appear in a full length mirror.)

He, who really does find her very sexy, addictively so actually, put his hands on her breasts. And as she leaned back into him, thinking this was the beginning of good times, he said softly in her ear:

“Were these ever up higher … you know, full and firm?”

Now she is still very good looking and sexy and has a great sense of confidence about her, though she admits gravity is a bitch. But she just smiled and said, “Yes, they were. Don’t you remember?”

I think she should have decked him or at least made jokes about size and all that … but she wanted to have sex.  It was only later, in the telling of it, she was pissed as hell. There will not be a second time as she will not be sleeping with him again.

Note to guys: Don’t ask questions about gravity if you want to live or get laid!

Out and About

A good friend at MAC, the cosmetics company, invited me to a fun lunch at Michael’s to launch a new lip plumper. He is a fellow reality show junkie.

(Yes, we vote. I’m rooting for the goofy looking guy on So You Think You can Dance, Benjy. His girl cousin, Heidi, is really good too, and I wouldn’t be upset if she won. The other guy has a chance but the other girl is really ng. What the heck is she doing in the finals anyway? Very klutzy.)

Oh yeah, so the lunch featured Sandra Bernhard as the epitome of plump lips and mouths that roar. By the way, she looks really good. And she is very funny and witty.

The other mouths were Amy Sacco of nightclub fame, Robert Verdi, fashionista and Paula Froelich of Page Six. They were allowed to mouth off about anything they wanted and it was both funny and politically incorrect which I like. My friend J said next lunch, I might get to! As though I don’t get to every week right here.

There was lots of good dish ie. gossip which I am dying to repeat, but can’t. I just hope it all comes out soon in the real press. Kids, you will die!

Speaking of things I like, like laughing and free lip products, there is something I DO NOT LIKE. And I was reminded by someone there.

Women we do not like: Someone you have met fifty times, sat next to at a meal, and still does not know who the hell you are when you are introduced. Why is this? Because they are so self involved they don’t care, but more likely because they only are interested in people who they deem important or who can do something for them. I am not naming names, but she might even read the column. I know she does Monday-Thursday to see if she’s in nysd.

Who else don’t we like? People of either gender who say “let’s get together, give me your card” and then you never hear from them. It’s a wasted card! Or you call them and they are too busy to get together until next century. Just don’t say it if you don’t mean it.

Which reminds me, Dear Readers, thanks so much for emailing me nice remarks welcoming me back. You missed me. You really missed me. Stop it Sally! Seriously, it makes me very good that I can add a little humor to your days. The world we live in is so grim right now and I try to be “recess in the school day.” “A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down the pants” as Chuckles the Clown on Mary Tyler Moore used to say. No I didn’t write that one, but wish I had.

And boy a lot of you wanted to know who the blind items were in Aspen. By the way, A & L from out West … I couldn’t return the email...it kept coming back, so if you still want to know, check your email address and resend.

Fly me to the moon

I am over the moon because today, as you read this, I am on my way to visit the Precious Boys in Minneapolis. It’s been eight months since I’ve seen those little faces and I cannot wait. I am so hug deprived they will be crushed in my embrace...she said poetically and scarily.

I’m not looking forward to the airline hassle, and it seems a bit silly to me, frankly. At this point, lipgloss (hmmm this week seems to have a theme, doesn’t it?) is hardly going to be used by anyone as a weapon. I mean really. And blondes from the Midwest are not the usual suspects are they?

Do you get the sense that the Homeland Security is a bit unqualified for the job? It’s FEMA redux.

One of my funnier girlfriends emailed me from London that she was never coming home as she didn’t feel like being forced to sample her own breast milk. Oh yeah, she’s never had a baby … that’s the funny part. Bye for now.

Respond to susan@newyorksocialdiary.com.