THE SEARCH FOR MR. ADEQUATE
Part XXXVII
By Susan Silver

After Los Angeles, I went up to Santa Barbara to stay with one of my new friends, a Dear Reader, whom I had met in a visit she made to New York. She is lots of fun, lives next door to Oprah and has the single best love story I’ve ever heard.

She had been unhappily married and about to separate when she got a ride home from a country club event with a man she’d known slightly. The man told her he was going to marry her … that’s right! Leave his wife and marry her. He hadn’t realized he was unhappy until he had met her and like the proverbial lightening bolt, he was struck. She thought he was crazy, but it turned out, he was right!

And now, twenty years later they are great looking, still divinely happy and he makes her breakfast on a tray, folks. It should only happen to me! And any of you who want true love and haven’t found it yet.

I had the charming guest house all to myself, or at least I thought so.

“Penny and me”

One morning as I wandered around the “Enchanted Cottage” as I dubbed it, I heard something on the roof. I assume it was animals, as they had chickens, and other furry things. I then, looked up at the skylight to see a man looking down at me!!! I was in my nightie with one breast popping out, as I’d ripped the strap in my sleep … must have been a wonderful dream but alas I don’t remember it … and he was staring at me … and the breast, I can only assume.

I screamed and ran into the bathroom which did not have a skylight thank the Lord.

Turns out, he was the gardener cleaning out the gutters and he apologized profusely, but I still didn’t want to see him and stayed hidden until he finished the yard.

Santa Barbara is a terrific place and rumored to have the best climate in the U.S. At least that’s what they say there. The ocean is beautiful, the shops charming and they have a nice cultural life. I am seriously thinking of retiring there and I’ll tell you why.

As I have mentioned, those of us who are alone have to think of who will be turning us over in the “home” when we can’t fend for ourselves and bedsores are a problem. I always say there should be little communities for single people to go to with everything at their beck and call … like nurses, doctors and the like.

There is a gorgeous condo community where, reportedly, Julia Childs lived her last days which fits the bill. It has independent condos, then other facilities as one progresses down the chain to demise … and the facilities are wonderful, activities abound and let’s not forget the weather. There is a long waiting list but since I still have a few eons left to go, I have plenty of time. And if the food was good enough for Julia, who am I to complain?

Also, it turns out I have five friends in SB, people from my past and this new couple, so I’d have a little social circle already in place. Now I am resting easier since I have discovered this haven. You think I’m kidding, don’t you? Well, I’m not and these are the things I lie awake nights worrying about. When I’m not chasing the mice.

I then flew home to New York. I’ve never had a really interesting seat mate on a flight which is just as well, because I don’t want to be trapped talking with someone for five hours. However, this flight was an exception. A nicely dressed guy with an expensive watch sat down and immediately was on his cell phone, which I hate, but he was very considerate and spoke softly. I did however catch the word “operation.”

And I asked him, as we took off, are you a doctor?

He replied yes, and I laughingly said, a plastic surgeon? Hoping for free consultation. He said, “yes.” My excitement was short lived.

This is where the male readers might want to close their eyes. And the females, their legs! Ready? Ok. This guy had switched his practice from regular plastic surgery to dealing with … hmmm ... how shall I say this. The nether parts? The place down there? The … ok … the labia and other ‘rejuvenation’ of a woman’s privates.

This is suddenly a hugely popular new kind of plastic surgery for those who are not happy with their privates due to childbirth or even surprisingly as he told me, ‘aesthetic values.’ Though why women would be studying their labia’s for aesthetic ‘beauty’ remains a mystery to me. And as far as men complaining, leading to the surgery, all I can say is eewwww! Dump the dude!

The guy was a bit of a ‘star’ in that he is going to be on a TV Reality Show and seemed a tad full of himself. However, he was the one who stopped talking to me before I stopped asking him all the questions this brought to mind. You can only imagine.

So, my trip to California was really great and as always I was thrilled with all the new and interesting people I’d met at the Conference. In fact, I have now been invited to another interesting gathering over Xmas from someone I’d met in Monterery. It’s in Maui and I am excited. In fact, it’s about the only thing I have to look forward to since being home, nothing exciting has happened.

I will stop complaining now and attempt to get out of the house for a lunch date with Lil. She’s been away with Lennie all summer in the Hamptons and I miss her. She is always an ‘upper’ and we are trying a restaurant we’ve never been to before which features … men, eating lunch. I'll let you know. Until next week.

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