THE
SEARCH FOR MR. ADEQUATE
Part Four
By Susan Silver
So, last time I swore on the Bible that I only would use my “gift” (of
being able to meet anyone I ever wanted to meet) … on real men for real relationships.
And it works! The very next day I put it to use without even trying and now I
am thoroughly convinced I am a witch. Yes, with a w!” I also have had esp
my whole life which kind of goes along with this, and that’ll be discussed
in future episodes … I predict.
Last week I was having lunch with a friend in real estate and telling him of
a problem I’m having in my condo with the Neighbor from Hell. He said I
need a really tough lawyer, someone scary. And he mentioned the name of a Cute
Guy/Scary Lawyer whom I haven’t seen in years, but coincidentally happened
to be one of my college boyfriends. I had totally forgotten about him, and decided
I would give him a call.
Now, and I swear this is all true … walking home, well teetering home, in
great new stilettos, I am in agony so I look for a cab. Nothing. I then decide
I’ll teeter up Madison instead of Fifth and take a bus. Nothing. As I am
about to take off the shoes and walk barefoot albeit on Lex or Third, never Mad,
who do I see? Yup. You got it. Cute Guy/Scary Lawyer! You must understand that
I have bumped into him only two times in the last ten years! And we didn’t
have that much to say to each other, either time ... ’cause he was more
scary
than cute.
(Prior to that, I hadn’t seen him since college and if you think I’m
telling you how long ago that was, you’re nuts.) But here he was! As though
I no longer needed a telephone to communicate, I called him up “spiritually.” Hey,
forget manifesting parking spaces when you can do this on cue! Plus, it’s
a twofer … a lawyer and a possible date. I am gooood!
Never one to lose his cool, he wasn’t that surprised to see me, even though
I tell him the circumstances. Or maybe he’s just not that interested. But
then, he invites me for lunch and I join him … thereby eating the dessert
I wouldn’t let myself have at the first lunch. I’ve told you, dating
is fattening. We discuss the legal situation and he offers to scare them for
me pro bono which is the best way to get legal help. We then start reminiscing
about the old days.
He was crazy and fun and gorgeous when I first met him and we spent a summer
together when I was at UCLA. Then he went back East to school and we kept in
touch for a while. Neither of us remembers why we broke up. He thinks the fact
that I insisted on remaining a virgin had something to do with it. Oh, yeah,
right. Well, times have changed honey. (Note to Cousin: no, this does not qualify
as a dirty part.)
We go for a walk though one of us is in sheer agony, but not showing it … hey,
going out with 500 guys has taught me something! (ie. Never complain. Okay, okay,
this is probably the only time I have ever not complained, but it’s a start!
I’m in a new phase of dating behavior, remember.)
He’s had lots of success and many interests and has grown up to be very
different than I would have thought. However, he asks me nothing about myself … which
reminds me of another reason we might have broken up. He says he is still crazy
and that is probably so. But when you have a history with someone it is so comfortable.
In some ways it felt like we just started where we’d left off those many
years ago. Strangely, it is possible to feel old and young at the same time.
As he kissed me goodbye, a pleasant surprise, we said it was nice and we were
going to keep in touch, aside from the legal thing. We’ll see. I am not
crazy about dating someone crazy. But he’s still really cute, and obviously
much smarter than I’d given him credit for when we were surfing in Malibu.
Well, one of us was. I was afraid of the water, but I looked really good waving
from the beach in a bikini. (Now I am still afraid, but I look really good in
a tankini. I haven’t had to resort to a one piece yet. And, I don’t
ski either but I’m stunning in the outfits, honest. I am a pretty fair
tennis player. I love to watch basketball and baseball and know a lot about sports
in general. Hey, you never know who is reading this, right?)
Anyway, all in all this was not bad for my first experiment in summoning, huh?
That guy on TV who brings back the dead has nothing on me! Let him try and summon
up a single, straight, attractive guy over fifty in New York!
Speaking of which — that night, my platonic friend, Stan called. (Which
only means he’s stopped dating someone and now has time for me. He tends
to do this a lot, but he’s a good guy anyway.)
“What happened to her this time, Stan?” I never even met this one.
“She only ate white foods … mashed potatoes, pudding, white bread no crusts.
What’s with you and women with strange eating habits?” He said
he, as I, had stopped being so picky and he was going to actually overlook
the white
food things. But she broke up with him! (Over a chocolate donut probably.)
He wanted sympathy, but he wasn’t getting any from me. He tried to tell
me guys have it just as tough as women with dating and I said “oh no you
don’t! It’s a numbers game and you guys can date in an age pool of
oh, say … over 15 … if you want to get arrested, but really from 25-50.
I know you won’t date anyone over that age! Right?!”
“Wrong,” he said “ … Goldie Hawn is over fifty and I’d
date her. Racquel Welch is over sixty and I’d date her. Jane Fonda … ”
“Was anexoric,” I interrupted. “Which actually is perfect for
you, Stan. Too bad Calista Flockhart is dating Harrison Ford. And hey, the Olsen
twins
are in New York and the more skeletal one is out of food rehab or whatever
it’s
called.”
Stan said goodnight. Okay, he might have said the “F” word as in “F-you” and
goodnight. That’s allowed, because we’ve been friends for twenty-five
years. Hell, I’m the one who picked him up from the hospital when he had
his hernia operation! We’re close enough for the “F”word.
In fact, “F-you, Stan!” (She thought to say after they’d hung
up.) Thanks for pointing out that women have to worry about the numbers game,
aging AND now the fact that we’re not movie stars! And now I’m
supposed to fall asleep.
Around two in the morning I made a decision. I really couldn’t just wait
for the “gift” and Cute Guy/Scary Lawyer’s possible phone call.
I have to be more proactive. Even if it means doing things I heretofore frowned
upon. And so Dear Reader, that’s just what I did. But that story will
have to wait until next time.
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