THE SEARCH FOR MR. ADEQUATE
Part Six
By SUSAN SILVER

“A Toast to Us”

We live in interesting times. Everything is out there in that great smorgsboard of life. Plus, you barely have to lift a finger to get it, because there is a service to do it for you. Among them, a variety of methods to find relationships. Methods in which you can just let that “finger do the walking ...” or for those of us dragged kicking and screaming into the computer age, the “scrolling.” That’s right ... we live in the age of the Internet ... thus Internet dating.

I’ve read that over 20 million adults go online every month to meet someone! It is one of the most successful businesses in the American economy. A few years ago I played tennis with an older woman ... (yes there are such things ... but they love doubles and are good at the net while I still like to run myself silly for an hour and prefer singles. And have the legs to prove it, did I mention that, yet, this week?) Anyway, she was a widow and attractive for her age and she was the first person I knew who went on the Internet to date. I thought her brave but nuts.

I have to admit I was a little surprised when she came up with one of the most well known and generous philanthropists in Los Angeles. After weeks of emailing, he flew in to meet her. It didn’t work out, but I rethought the Net.

A year or so later, I myself was fixed up with him and he held a meeting on his cell phone for the entire time we sat at lunch. I walked out before dessert and now I see he married someone who fudged her backround in the wedding announcement and for the first time I’d ever heard of, the Los Angeles Times had to put an “it’s not our fault correction” in the next week, outing her college degrees or lack of same. Don’t’ worry honey, he can buy you a college!

“ Let’s go surfing ...”

So, yes, a few years ago, I myself “surfed the net.” That’s what they call it, folks. I had perused the various Internet sites and narrowed them down to two. Believe me, you can find any category you’d want ... and a few you wouldn’t. I don’t know how many Amish are on the Internet highway with their buggies, but they could be if they want. I recall it’s something like “Amishswing@quilts.com.” But don’t hold me to it.

I had just broken up for the second of three times with the Love of My Life, hereafter referred to as LOML. So after crying enough to compete with a rainy weekend and winning in sheer wetness volume, I decided to cast my net in the Net, (she said overcutely.) I signed up for a free three day membership but didn’t put my “profile” in until I saw the lay of the land, so to speak. (A profile being something you fill out in some detail about your looks, interests, wants and needs that they then match up with others wants, needs etc. in some cases numerically giving you a “per cent of match.”)

I chose to look at the “profiles” of men who might interest me and scrolled down, I swear, 500 photos and profiles. I told you it took a weekend didn’t I? I clearly hadn’t narrowed things down enough, but as a virgin ... okay okay ... on the Internet at least ... who knew? I listed LA, NY and surrounding environs and after being shocked to see the only cute man was a too young Plastic Surgeon I had heard of ... (and none of your business how), I was about to give up, when I saw someone interesting!

His picture was gorgeous, almost Mephistophelean in dark-bearded sex appeal. It screamed “danger” so of course I liked it. His interests matched mine and he was a Professor and published author whose name was familiar to me. A little younger than I, he lived in a nearby state and I thought what the hell. I emailed him and witty charming gal that I am, he responded immediately. We traded emails for a day or two and then he asked for my picture. Since I hadn’t paid the membership fee, I couldn’t get my photo on the Internet site, but I went to Kinko’s and had them make a disk copy of a photo of myself on a good day and sent it to him directly. He immediately called and asked me out for the next night. Yes, I am good looking (she said again, modestly.)

And not only was he coming into town for a party, but it was a very major party that I had wanted to attend. A charity-do that someone had invited him to. He had a meeting with his benefactor before hand so I said I’d be happy to meet him at the hotel where the party was being held. It was black tie and I was actually kind of excited. When I got there I looked around the place we had chosen to meet and I didn’t see him. Well, that’s not correct. I didn’t see the dark, handsome, sexy guy in the photo. I did see a very tall, scraggly, skinny, sickly looking dude in an illfitting obviously rented tux. Hmmm ...

So, it turns out the photo was from a bookjacket cover and obviously retouched enough to make Howard Stern look like George Clooney but that didn’t make him a bad guy. No, what made him a bad guy was ... he was arrogant, know it all, combative and cheap! He had wanted to walk home, but I indicated my four inch heels and told him the Waldorf is about 30 blocks away from where I live ... and though he still didn’t get it ... .I finally waved down a cab.

Turns out he had only brought twenty dollars with him and had to spend it last minute to get a cummerbund for the tux ... which he had borrowed. I paid the five dollars, three more than the old joke which ends “pay the two dollars!” To get out of a bad situation, remember? Anyway, he then invited himself in, sat too close on the couch and told me that he actually had a girlfriend but it might not work out. Neither did this! I never got the five back ... and wonder from time to time how the owner of the tux made out. That was the last time I went on the Internet for dates.

However, since I actually promised myself and you Dear Reader to be on this journey for Mr. Adequate, I recently purchased a three month membership on a site and even put my photo in to see what would happen.

Results to follow: In summary, I have had over eighty responses. Not one of whom matched what I was looking for. In my profile I stated certain requirements and “within my species” didn’t seem like a necessary one, but I was wrong. Seriously, there have been lots of guys who I am sure are nice people, but not particularly attractive and yes, I am that superficial ... at least to insure some chemistry!

The one possible that I actually answered, turned out to work ... but unfortunately for the post office! Yes ... I am that superficial, I already told you! Plus I like to eat in nice restaurants in New York, remember. A postal worker from Vermont’s salary probably wouldn’t cut it, don’t you agree? I mean really, I have worked pretty hard to achieve a nice level of living that I enjoy, but that doesn’t mean I want to support anyone else at this time, but thanks. And good luck through the snow and sleet and Vermont’s really got it!

A few of the others were cute but way too young ... and ballboy is not a career as far as I’m concerned, but thanks for the email, Chip. Most of the others were guys with pocketprotectors, short sleeves, weird hairdos and generally NOT MY TYPE! (She screamed for emphasis!!)The only thing that makes me feel bad is that because I haven’t repurchased the membership I can’t graciously email and refuse any of the “winks” I get from these people ... that’s what it’s called, folks. “Winks.” And I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings ... except the gross guy whose picture shows him sitting on a Harley outside a suspiciously institutional looking place if barbed wire means what I think it does. He sent me a love poem that was really kind of scary and then kept emailing me asking why I didn’t respond. I think calling me a “bitch” is hostile, don’t you? Thank god the emails go through the site and don’t reveal my address. Let’s hope Bikerboy doesn’t’ read socialdiarys.

I will keep my photo and profile on for free as long as I can and will let you know what happens, but let’s not hold our breath shall we? By now you might be asking, what is my type? Good question, and a topic for another time. For now, champagne please!