THE SEARCH FOR MR. ADEQUATE
Part VII
By SUSAN SILVER

“ Sock it to me”

Speaking of cell phones ... LET’S NOT!! When I was married, my husband begged me not to mouth off to people because I didn’t know what a punch in the mouth felt like and I would get him into situations where he was at risk of being socked. Like telling people to be quiet in the movies, or giving the finger to drivers who cut me off. I actually had someone pull a gun on me driving a canyon in Los Angeles. Another reason to move to New York ... I don’t drive here.

So now I have to assume the risk myself, because I am divorced and yet, constantly telling people to stop yelling into their cell phones. When walking down the street or taking the bus ... yes I take the bus (but not the subway since 9/11), I glare at them first and then make that “tsk-ing” sound. When that does no good, which is almost all the time, I say things out loud. Like on the bus when they are screaming the block by block travelogue: “Now I’m on 70th, now I’m on 71st ... etc.” I say “Yes ... thank you. We know where we are.” That sometimes does a bit of decibel control and often gets me applause and thank you’s from other passengers. Although I am more careful these days choosing who it is I voice my disapproval to. Older people and little kids are safe, you can intimidate an 80-year-old but it makes you feel guilty when you see the hearing aide, or a 10-year-old. But don’t try it with messengers. They’ll knife you. Actually, I once even called the company which the said screaming messenger had listed on his bag. That was just to calm myself after a twenty-block ride and listening to his ranting. He still has the job as I see him occasionally and run in case he knows it was I who tried to get him fired.

And when I go to the movies, I now move my seat rather than confront gangs of teens who are talking back to the screen since one rather heavyset young woman chased me down the escalator when I suggested that her conversation to the actors was a tad disruptive to others, meaning me. Okay okay, I said “shut up!” Fat girls can’t really run and thank god for that!

“Where were we?”

But I digress, and you’re used to that by now, right? Oh yes, talking to oneself, (she said repeating). Especially about relationships. Because at a certain point, unless you’re Woody Allen, (and look what good it’s done for him) you can’t do or afford any more therapy. And, your friends are bored with the discussion about should you break up with him/her or keep suffering etc. etc. ad nauseum ... so I have a dialogue with me. And I am a really good listener ... to me.

And the ongoing topic right now? “Is there such a thing as the right type?” When answering Personal ads, or going on Internet sites or even being fixed up, how do you best describe your “type?” What is our type Susan? Well Susan ...

We like tall, but our last boyfriend LOML ... (Love of My Life, for those of you who don’t pay attention or don’t remember prior columns or are first timers ... and welcome) ... wasn’t really tall enough for us to wear highheels but he liked us to, even if we felt like we were towering over him. Yet that was a really good relationship. That’s true ... ok ... we’ll go down to at least 5’9”.

We like dark or grey haired ... but early Nick Nolte before the mug shot was pretty cute. Ok ... add dirty blond if they don’t wear Hawaiian shirts and get busted for drugs and comb the dirty blond hair at least once a day and wash it every other. And bald works ... if you are Sean Connery. Boy does it work! So bald is fine but no toupees and NO COMBOVERS!! (Although I did date a guy with one and we just never went out in the wind.) See ... we can make progress in self dialogue as long as it’s in the house and we are not arrested for picking through garbage as we do it.

“Very smart” and “fun” and “successful” are criteria we are not flexible about, right? Right.

“Dumb,” “boring” and “unemployed” may be easier to find ... no no ... we’re holding out, kid. Right!

Politics ... now that is a tricky one. We want someone with our exact political views so we can become a power team, involved, and make sure our children ... his children because you don’t have any Susan ... right ... his children and grandchildren ... .. have a better world.

So, as I was saying ... to myself: Surely you wouldn’t pass up a great guy because he was a conservative? Are you kidding? Do we want to live like Mary Matalin and James Carville? I can’t stand to watch them on Sunday morning talk shows! I yell “shut up” to the TV screen since I can get away with it in my own home without fear of being knifed. Can you imagine fighting like that 24/7?! You’re right, they are obnoxious but the political roles are reversed. Oh yeah, well ... then, no Cajun Democrats either. Wait a minute, are you saying you wouldn’t date any Republican men? I didn’t say that ... I said conservative. I’d date Nelson Rockefeller any time. He’s dead. Oh, well someone like him. But alive. He was fabulous. And it’s important particularly in these times to work on bringing the country together so we could start at home. Therefore, I will do my patriotic duty and date anyone of any particular political persuasion but those who voted for Ralph Nader ... either time.

Author’s note: If you are a Rockefeller or Rockefeller type you have special first-in-line access awaiting you.

What else is our type, I ask myself. Love to travel, is not a workaholic. Sports? Oh yeah ... we love sports. Baseball and basketball are favorites. Playing and watching tennis and he can play golf by himself and I’ll lie at the pool of the country club. Hey, this is getting good.

Ben

Kids? Too late now. Duh. I mean should he have kids? Oh. Well yes, I really want someone who has their own kids and now hopefully grandkids. My cousin in the Midwest has the most fabulous grandkids and there is one little boy I am obsessed with. His name is Ben and he is three or “free” years old ... that’s the way he says it. He has the cutest smile, pixie ears and a kissable long neck. I put his picture on my screensaver so that when I turn the computer on every morning I see that little precious elfin face with the cowlick and he cheers me up for the day. I call him a lot and he doesn’t like to talk on the phone mainly because he doesn’t know who the hell I am and my cousin’s kids, his parents, are embarrassed. The family would like me to get my own grandkid and soon ... as I’m really scaring him and them, with all the attention. I also have put him in the will, big time. But they don’t know this ... uh ... yeah they do ... now. Oh. Right. Hi Ben, it’s cousin Soozie ... you don’t know me now, but you will when you want your car.

Moving on. Age of the right type: Hmmm that’s a tough one. It’s very “in” for women to date younger men now. Demi Moore does, Mary Tyler Moore married one ... but maybe it only works if your name is Moore. Actually I have to confess, when I reached the bad birthday ... and you’ll have to figure what that was on your own ... anyway, I was asked out by a major hot and actually intelligent rock star (without tattoos or piercings) who was 37 at the time.

And I impressed my friends with the fact that there was a second date that required partial nudity and I didn’t even have to back out of the room. I think that may come under the heading ... too much information. But yes, let’s include younger and older. So age range: 45-68. That should cover enough territory.

The only problem of course is guys over 40 want women under 30. Hell, guys 70 do too! But perhaps there are some out there who want age appropriate women and did I mention I am in really good shape? And who do I remind people of? What type am I? Think “Julie Christie when she was young and in ‘Darling’ and if she were Jewish” meets “Suzanne Sommers if she were classy and knew how to dress” and that leads me to religion.

Religion: Now that is a toughie. I am open minded but probably would get along better with someone who doesn’t think Yasser Arafat is a sweet little guy or that Hitler was after all, a heck of a dancer. So use that as a guideline.

And speaking of which ... no not Hitler ... dancing! I love to dance, did so in the movies when I was in college and an “extra.” But there is one little problem, I really am great dancing by myself in fast dancing, (as you can check out if you want to rent “Baby the Rain Must Fall” ... I’m twisting with Steve Mc Queen or “Viva Las Vegas”... look for first showgirl) but I can’t follow with a partner. Hmmm, does that have any significance beyond the dance floor you might be wondering. Listen, I am willing to take lessons or just practice with you until I get it. And, if you happen to be a strong leader ... that is a plus, in all areas of our life together-to-be.

“ Wanted”

So, in summary ... I am looking for a 5’9” plus, 45-68 year old grey, bald, or darkhaired man with kids who is either retired or not a workaholic, has achieved his success and wants to pursue the good life, loves to travel, really smart, very informed about lots of topics which makes him interesting, though he doesn’t have to entertain me, and will let me have my space, a moderate in politics, loves to laugh, let’s me dance alone or can teach me how to follow, and to swim ... while we’re at it ... and most importantly, a “mensch.” It helps if you at least understand what that means though you don’t have to speak the language.

Whewww!! No wonder I’m having a hard time finding him. But this would make a nice Personal Ad if you would do one. Naw. Hey, dummy ... we have the perfect forum already set up. Oh yeah! And it’s free! And then we can get on to other topics in our Friday musings. That’s true. So, the direction of the column is up to you, Dear Readers. If it’s not you, but you have a friend, brother, uncle ... even father (grandfather is too old unless you are 10) who fits ... feel free to tell him. And hey, ladies ... if you have an old boyfriend who you still think is good for someone else ... we believe in recycling.

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