THE SEARCH FOR MR. ADEQUATE
Part XI
By SUSAN SILVER

Where to start? Well, first I guess I should say that this may be a tad sentimental and not the biting, witty, drop dead funny stuff you are used to from me. But that’s okay. Because it is the Holiday Season and in between decking the Halls and anyone who bothers us, we Newyorksocialdiary types can explore the softer side of our natures from time to time and not be ashamed. And besides ... if you think you are going to be the only ones who do not hear the minute details of this trip to Heaven, you are sadly mistaken. At least you can read it once and then move on. My intimate friends will be hearing it ad infinitum with cooing sounds and pouty lipped expressions in addition to the annoying little baby voice!

Have a cup of eggnog, you sophisticates, and just go with it, okay? You know you have feelings! And more about that later, but first ...

So, I went to stay with the Cousin from the Midwest who has three great grown children and seven, count ‘em, seven of the most beautiful and dear grandkids. And one ... you know him as Ben on the bike (which for some inexplicable reason was pink, but anyway ...) from Diary Seven, has captured my heart and my wallet which ... okay okay, is one of the ways to capture his heart! I take no chances.

Because I had been enamored of him from three short annual prior meetings, my entire experience of children ... which has been limited to say the least, not having any ... has changed. I no longer run screaming from their screaming. I have pictures of him everywhere and he is on my screen saver and it is literally impossible to feel sad or depressed or angry when you see his face. In fact, I think the daily viewing of it has allowed me to quit therapy. I could be wrong, but it saves me a bundle every week and so I wanted to thank him by going to visit and take him shopping.

Besides, it is Hanukah and the great thing about this Holiday is it is eight days and we always got eight presents, (she said sacrilegiously.) So I invited myself to the Cousin’s house in Minnesota for my birthday, though I stipulated no gifts. I just wanted to spend time in a loving family atmosphere ... even if I had to borrow it! And the thought of another birthday was making a nervous breakdown possible.

I flew there, hoping to spend a little quality time with Ben and I got much more than I ever expected or hoped for. How many times, Dear Reader, do you have your expectations met? I know for myself that I try and keep them low as I get older, particularly towards social events because I am invariably disappointed. It’s not really as great a party as we had hoped it might be. And no, we don’t meet “The One” and in fact, we think our mothers were definitely wrong when they told us “just go out and you never know what’s going to happen.” Yes, we do know what’s going to happen ... nothing! But we keep going anyway.

The agenda was for the entire family to come to my Cousin’s for my birthday dinner on Friday and then for me to take Ben shopping on Saturday. And the big bonus, the surprise, turned out to be that I would get to baby sit for him (with Cousin) and spend quality time, alone with him Saturday night! This all was based on the hope that he wouldn’t run screaming from this stranger, me, whom he saw three times in his young life, once, when he was three weeks old and I don’t think they can even see yet.

But, those “horsey rides” during last year’s visit came in handy. The fact that after the last trip I had a sciatica attack that laid me up for weeks doesn’t matter. Note to you all: when over forty-five, never give horsey rides wearing four inch heels. It’s hell on the back. And when you sit on the floor playing trains, get up every few minutes to stretch so you don’t become crippled when you eventually do get up. If you can get up, that is.

Now I will skip the minute by minute and get to the good parts. He came to the Friday night dinner early and actually remembered the horsey rides and we got into them immediately. Then, because I know no shame, I immediately told him that we were going to buy eight ... count ‘em eight presents for him the next day. Because he is really smart and can count, he knew this was a good deal. Thus, he eagerly played the game I invented where I roll a ball down the hallway and he runs and brings it back and has to kiss me every time for me to roll it again. Yes, shameless, I know, I know.

Plus, since my mental age is about his, we got into the “you’re silly, no you’re silly, I did not, you did, did not, did” thing ... which I can keep up as long as he and much longer than any other adult he will ever meet or is willing to do. This was a huge hit. So I was beside myself with joy from the hugs and kisses that kept on flowing in my direction.

Then the kids and grandkids arrived and all of them were excited to see their relative who lives in New York and is the “glamorous one” in the family. Moi. And who brought the grandkids Hanukah gifts in envelopes ... which means cash! I showed them my Column on the Internet and that impressed the s--t out of them. (Aside: Cousin from the Midwest, whom we always thought was very prim and proper used the “s” word a few times and the “f” word when the delicious dinner she cooked was running late. Which made me feel a lot better and brought us closer together, as we were when we grew up.) And, I even got a birthday cake! I think the first one I’ve had since sweet sixteen. I got teary but still fought the kids for the biggest sugar rose. Told you I was five. Well, six, now.

I have to admit, the noise level at the table with seven kids under fourteen, even well behaved, was at first traumatic to me but when you like the kids, somehow you adjust. (Note to Neighbor from Hell’s kids: this does not apply to you! So stop screaming outside my window and rolling on your skateboards on the terrace stones or else! And to the monsters on the sixth floor, tap dancing lessons for you and your damn friends is not allowed in a residential building!)

Where was I? Oh yes ... in the Midwest with softer, gentler feelings. Right. The Saturday shopping went very well and Ben is so sweet that he easily gave up two of his gifts for his little brother Nate, eighteen months, who has been sick but is now on the road to recovery and is adorable with a smile that lights up a room. Nate really doesn’t know who the hell I am, has no interest in finding out and only started to warm up towards the end of the trip, with the arrival of the teddy bear. I’m sure when he gets to the Hokey Pokey Elmo, on the first day of Hanukah, he’s mine. But wait, I won’t be there! Relax, there are many trips in the offing and we’re just getting started with him. Okay, whew!

Now I don’t want you to think that bribes are all I did to win their affections.
Or that this was simply indulgence and excess. Well, it was but it was also life lessons. Ben learned to make choices, and to evaluate them and to share.

Nate learned absolutely nothing.

And what did I learn? I learned that family still beats anything else you can hope for or desire. I learned that love is a palpable thing. You can feel it in a house where it exists and flourishes. And, if you are lucky, you can try and store some up and take it home with you. It actually made it to New York in my case and is floating around my house, now as memories and great pictures I look at all the time.

I learned that the Midwest is really still different from the “fly over states” as we used to call them in show biz. Having grown up in Wisconsin, I’ve always known that somehow the people are different and it has nothing to do with being Republican or Democrat. I hate to say it, but somehow they are nicer. I’m not sure why. (And fatter. This, I do know why. At the Costco there were so many samples being given, you could make a meal of them. Many did. And they buy those giant size containers but for one meal!) I also have to admit, I always was happy to have come from there ... as long as I got to leave! But I didn’t want to leave this time. I wanted to move right in and live their lives.

My Cousin said sometimes she wishes she could switch lives with me, just for a week of sophistication or what she thinks is the fun life I lead and all the famous people I’ve met in Los Angeles, New York. And I told her ... I’d switch for more than a week with her! And part of me wishes I could, for real. But alas, it’s not my own family, though it is my only family ... so far.

Of course, families on both coasts love their kids and grandkids too, but somehow it’s a simpler life and simpler values and the very lack of sophistication seems to focus the mind on the more important things. Or maybe I am just romanticizing this trip ... because I was so darn happy!

But alas, it doesn’t last. Listen, you parents who take your kids on airplane trips ... please bring pacifiers or other things to put in infants mouths. The air pressure hurts their ears, you dummies! What’s wrong with you anyway?!

It’s not the kid’s fault that their ears are popping. but the screaming for two hours is a nightmare! How in the hell do you call yourself parents if you don’t know that!? And if your kid is old enough that their legs can reach my seat, I mean a seat in front of them, kicking is not allowed! The word “no” is applicable. In fact it is damn near required! Your kids should be taken away from you if ... wait a minute. I’m losing it. Obviously I left Heaven and took the Trip from Hell to get home. But I’m over it. Nothing will spoil this weekend for me.

Dear Readers, I wish you all Happy Holidays, and lots of love in your lives. I will be going to Los Angeles for the rest of December. I’ll be back in this space “next year”, as they say — and think is so cute but I think is a bit cutesy. I’m sure I’ll have some interesting adventures to share with you when I get back and if things look interesting Mr. Adequate-wise in LA, I’ll send you a note ... from there, so just keep looking on Fridays.

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