Tuesday, January 19, 2010

No Holds Barred - Blair's Blondes

by Blair Sabol

It's funny no one I know really cares about Jay or Conan (no one I know is watching late night network) or even the health care bill (we're all too broke, busted and disgusted).

What I do hear discussed constantly are the "Foxy Foxes" — all those Fox News and Biz Network anchorettes. Bloomberg News has been left in the dust with too many boring Asian and Caucasian talking heads. Even dear CNBC Maria Bartiromo (who started the whole "money honey," sex on "The Street" theme) now looks frumpy. On the other hand CNBC's Suzy Orman is in a league all her own.

Maria and Suzy.
Even though a year ago she predicted we would all be left parked in our SUV "breadlines," it all went down okay. After all we were looking at her great set of white bleached teeth, chunky marigold haircut and matching marigold leather svelte jacket and huge golden globe earlobes. How bad could it be.
                
Personally I'm hooked on Fox News and Biz stations cause I cant get over how blonde and bombshelled you must be as a woman to get any air time at all. Billl O'Reilly really majors in this with his own stable of professional "Blondies." Who can figure out who they are as they all look and sound exactly alike (Okay, Megan Kelly and Jane Skinner may be seem the best of the breed). There is very little difference between their cleavages, platinum hair color, high gloss lips and tarantula eyelashes.

Once upon a time Ann Coulter was THE longhaired leggy original. Now she looks like Mary Poppins. Obviously Fox Network genius Roger Ailes upped the sex ante a while ago. He figured it out and got it right. Sex sells. So what else is new?

The only brunette in the bunch is Kimberly Guilfoyle who has always dressed like a dominitrix even when she was married to the mayor of San Francisco. But now her knee black boots, va va va voom v neck tight black sweaters and shorts skirts are legendary. Vampira or Cinemax soft porn star? Which look is she going for?

The other "eye opener" is Dagen McDowell who at 7am is giving stock reports (sometimes from "The Floor") in serious plunging and sleeveless blouses. Forget that the temperature outside is 18 degrees ...
Bill O'Reilly and Roger Ailes surrounded by (clockwise from top left): Jane Skinner; Dagen McDowell; Megan Kelly; Ann Coulter; Kimberly Guilfoyle.
To help guide me through this current era of titillating TV visuals is a blog called TV Anchor Babes; "profiling and discussing the hottest and sexiest network babes.” Everyone is rated weekly. Couric and Sawyer have yet to make the cut. "Busting out with CNBC is Michelle Caruso Cabrera." Apparently she appears on "Power Lunch." Power lunch indeed. Nothing like hearing your portfolio’s plummeting from a hefty set of 38DDDs.

It used to be that the local weather girls were considered the visual "jaw drops" and/or jokes. NO question they were the original instigators of this current trashy TV trend. Now in Los Angeles we have Elita Loresca who has an actual fashion blog covering her every scoop neckline and stiletto heel. Jackie Johnson is another fashion "storm hottie" who has TMZ covering her hot panted ass crack while diving into an Escalade. But my absolute favorite in this “sex on THE Street" and "Illegally Blonde" (remember there are TV Marilyn Monroe Legal Eagles as well) brigade is on Fox Biz.
Clockwise from top left: Katie Couric and Diane Sawyer; Michelle Caruso Cabrera; Jackie Johnson; Elita Loresca.
Let's hear it for Liz Claman. Thank God she is a red head and it's obvious she shows up every mid morning ready "to play hard." Sure she's smart and charming (remember I am not talking content here) but her purple low cut jacket and matching revealing aubergine camisole with her deep plum fingernails, "Very Berry" lips, to say nothing of her full blown Bond Girl hair is nothing short of brilliant High Def Technicolor. She's always fully Spanxed and totally "up and out.” Even photographed from her back she gives a great big voluptuous interview.

"Happy Hour" is Fox Biz's afternoon Hooters "wrap up" show. Situated at the Waldorf Astoria’s Bears and Bulls Bar, moderator Rebecca Gomez Diamond sits crossing and uncrossing her micro mini'ed legs and it certainly has become a notorious "eye full." Very "Basic Instinct.” Who is listening to the Closing Bell if Deirdre Imus is sitting full front and center in a thigh high nude scoop necked sleeveless leotard of a dress. Obviously all of this is meant to rival Victoria’s Secret fashion shows and "Girls Gone Wild" videos. I say why not, cut to the chase and get Tila Tequila to anchor all this.
L. to r.: Liz Claman; Rebecca Gomez Diamond; Deirdre Imus.
No doubt Roger Ailes is no slouch when it comes to "tits 'n tickertape." (NOT a real porn title!) Take note that the bottom TV screen news “crawl" or stock number "scroll" is going right across the ladies" private parts at any given moment. I have heard that Fox Network producers choose all on air female talent according to the size of their enhanced mouths and mammaries. Well, why not. Talk about "fair and balanced."

And lets talk about the "news legal analyst contributors." What does that even mean? Are they actual "lawyers" or legal assistants or bartenders. But who cares about their on screen identification chirons. By the times I get to look for their names their bosoms have taken over the entire picture.

Nancy Grace.
A female lawyer friend (who did serve on a few of these TV gigs) told me that “Viewers like sexy and Fox gives it to them 'straight up. And it works since they are selling guilt as well." She was referring to not only the sinking stock accounts but the lost/raped- little-girl stories as well.

Which brings me to my ultimate Golden Oldie favorite ... Nancy Grace! Who keeps it going (HGN Network) on with her notorious multiple strands of baubles, bangles and beads around her neck and outrageously colored tops (Higher cut however). Grace has gotten older so what was once highpowered platinum has now turned more "ash" or "dirty blonde". What is amazing about Nancy now is how high her eyebrow arches keep going. Is that her own facial reaction to her horrendous stories or is it surgery. Either way she could make it big in Cirque de Soleil.
                
One thing is for sure ... no matter how far Ailes and Fox chose to sex up their girls currently their biggest blonde boob might be Glenn Beck (Who in my town is giving Oprah a run for her money in ratings). Then again we have the recent arrival of Sarah Palin. She's guesting nightly on all Fox 's shows and no doubt will soon have her own 8pm time slot. NOW ... how long will it be before Palin goes "Foxy blonde" and bosoms up and out? Houston, we have new TV bombshell and she is more than "cable ready."
 

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