This has to be the summer of The Great Melt Down. Naturally we have our typical record-breaking broil in the West. But we always do. I have lived in Arizona for 35 years and I’m tired of the usual “fry an egg on your dashboard” contests. Face it, we sizzle from May until October and after 110° who is counting (Palm Springs smashed a record at 124° yesterday). The Heat Dome is now a given so let’s move on. Our swimming pools are now 93° (my neighbor calls that “piss temperature”) so no relief there. My dog gets walked at 5:00 AM with no booties on. My AC tech is the first number on my emergency call list — above the cardiologist!
But at least the blistering West is no longer THE daily breaking news. People are really traveling to get out of the heat, so stories on horrible airport waits, and Paris and Rome are now officially overbooked.
The other heat escape is still all about shopping. But I honestly don’t know anyone that still goes to malls or department stores to “cool off.” Your computer “click” button does all the work nowadays. But last week Saks spent $2.65 billion buying Neimans in hopes to “save American department stores.” They also get Bergdorf Goodman in that sale, and Amazon is jumping in to help Saks get better situated online. The new store will be called Saks Global. That sounds like an airline to me.
Who goes to giant stores anymore other than Costco and Sam’s Club which seems to be doing a bang-up job. Sephora has already wiped out department store cosmetic floors. And I don’t see the couture brands selling their tip top designs to Saks. People still prefer to go to the actual couture boutiques — or do they? Some economists see that market wobbling depending on China’s interest.
I remember hearing about the early post COVID days when Chanel and Louis Vuitton reopened to rope lines a block long. Soon reservations were required (and that still stands at Hermes!). In those days “aspiring luxe shoppers” showed up in droves and waited for hours. My mom’s home care gal took all her hard-earned cash in a paper bag and stood in line at Scottsdale’s Louis Vuitton for the day to get her first Louis Vuitton Fanny pack. Is that still happening?
What has happened is Macy’s is shutting down a lot of branches and Nordstroms is “on notice.” I didn’t think Bergdorfs would make it past COVID. I remember a wealthy Upper East Side matron telling me, “If Bergdorf closes, I will leave the city.” But now Bergdorf has been saved and that UES gal has already moved permanently to Palm Beach (which has better luxe stores).
As for Amazon helping to get department stores up and running technologically? They didn’t do great with their supermarket attempt. Whole Foods is definitely not what it used to be. Can Saks Global actually prevent the department store decline? Let’s see.
But “decline” does seem to be the real theme of the summer. In an era of “cheap fakes” and “bad nights” I often wonder. The other day I saw a report that more money is being spent on specialized dog food for aging dogs and Viagra memory gummies (do you need your memory to have an erection?). And the only store I see really crowded nowadays are the nail boutiques and eyelash and hair extension salons. And the clientele is not young, but older women who still love the experience of personal service over online bait and click.
But the idea of meltdowns and declines still haunts me as I heard that Prince Harry reportedly admitted he is “bored” with Meghan and wants to return to his friends and family in Britain. Talk about scorched earth. But maybe Harry’s burnout will result in something good … like Meghan moving on to a Russian Oligarch.
As for Joe Biden’s “toasted” debate, I now hear more people are scheduling cognitive tests than ever before. I am terrified I would flunk that. Although I haven’t accidentally left my cell phone in the freezer … Yet! But tests get me so upset (I even cheat and memorize the eye chart before my ophthalmologist has me read it).
I recently watched the HBO movie The Great Lillian Hall starring Jessica Lange doing an outstanding performance as a great stage actress struggling with dementia. Her agent and producer send her to a doctor to get tested. Everyone should see that scene. What the doctor asks her to do (count backwards every 7th number and fold a piece of paper four different ways and more) I could not do. Lange gives it a try and frustratedly leaves the office. Later she gets in a cab and can’t remember her home address and fumbles for her license to remind her. No wonder Biden negated the testing and insisted “Let the Lord Almighty come down and tell me.” But is Biden’s hearing OK? After all, deafness and dementia go hand in hand.
As more friends tell me they are looking to move to Portugal or Canada after this election, I hunker down in my piss pool and cactus-fried location. I am embracing my own melting decline. Last week I broke down and bought a major Relax the Back recliner. It cost as much as a trip to a beachfront resort for two nights. So what! When I tried it out in the showroom for 5 minutes I got up and, I am not kidding, I didn’t have an ache in my spine and neck for a day. It’s called the Laevo Zero Gravity Recliner (with Lift Assist!)
Recliners are no longer those giant La-Z-Boy Naugahyde monsters of All in the Family days. They are pieces of equipment that are actually therapeutic but not trendy like Pelotons.
I know people are buying them for their “entertainment rooms” to make them more like home theaters. My recliner is not in front of my TV screen. My bed is.
The new recliner I bought is in my living room and kind of faces my giant view of the whole Scottsdale valley. I remember both my parent’s choosing recliners over their beds at the end of their lives for the comfort and lift factor.
Now recliners are major pieces of therapeutic equipment with all the bells and whistles of heat, massage, spinal supports and ankle pulsations. I didn’t get any of that, but I got what I needed and I now understand my parents’ love of them.
I remember my dad saying he would get rid of all the sofas and chairs in the living room and do wall-to-wall Relax the Back. I think I’m with him. Even my aging dog likes it. And so what if it looks like an elephant in the room.
So you can take your Eames, your Barcelona and Wassily high-end chairs. I’ll handle my freefall decline in my Zero Gravity luxe recliner in my own living room.
Goodbye memory loss … hello deluxe collapse!
