No Holds Barred: The Mattress Mafia

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The fourth (mattress) is the charm. Here I am with deliverymen Miguel and Daniel who also (finally) approve!

It’s summer and losing your cool is all the rage. Actually, rage is all the rage. Daily life is challenging but top that off with the explosion of food and gas prices, nuclear threats in Eastern Europe, epidemic fears, and political unrest — and it’s no wonder people are coming apart at the seams.

The airlines now have “customer operations teams” dealing with passenger’s harsh language complaints over cancellations and delays. The airlines can’t keep up and are learning how to deal with “presence of mind” skills and “compassionate” approaches. Good luck with that.

After being cooped up for two years, and now financially challenged, people are becoming tough and determined on what they think and feel is owed them. Entitlement rules. Everyone wants to be HEARD!! Whether it’s by tweeting or street shooting. These are rough and tumble and LOUD times.

Tom Cruise looking good in Top Gun: Maverick (2022) | CREDIT: SCOTT GARFIELD/PARAMOUNT

Lately the only “up” is how great Tom Cruise looks in his mega hit “Top Gun.” Okay — we get it — he has the best plastic surgeons in the world. But six months ago people were laughing at his silicone chipmunk cheeks. Now his 60-year-old face has settled, and he and his movie have DELIVERED at a time when nothing else has. Imagine — older people are going back to the movie theaters to see Tom Terrific!

And what is remarkable about Cruise (other than his Scientology belief) is that you never hear about any disgusting perversions or court appearances having to do with excrement on his mattress.

And speaking of mattresses (what a segue) …

I decided since I am not traveling or shopping for clothes anymore — what better item to buy in our anxious times than a decent mattress (pillows and desk chairs are also high on the list, but that’s another story).

Lately most people are having sleep issues and chronic neck, back, and shoulder pain — now more than ever. “Deep relaxation” is unheard of in our culture. We’ve been through enough serenity candles, sound machines, Ambien, and Melatonin. And now all eyes have turned to the mattress.

Medium soft Beautyrest Beyond! This is my last mattress. 10 years? Should take me to the end!

Call it mattress mania – but this is an item chuck full of marketing scams, phony store discounts, unkept promises and delivery debacles. No wonder Oprah and Goop Gwyneth haven’t entered that world. They would lose all credibility. But “My Pillow” guy — Michael James Lindell — has entered the fray. Who better to hype his way through the bottomless pit of foamy fakery?

First of all, we all try to do our purchasing homework. Most decent mattresses are over $1,000. Ten years is the life span. Deals are to be had (especially around Memorial and President’s Day). But don’t listen to any reviews or recommendations from pals. Everybody’s needs are different. “Back pain” comes in all flavors and so do mattress calibrations — firm, medium firm, medium soft, soft, and plush. Mattress levels are NOT standardized. Going to a store to try them all out is best, but who are we kidding. Lying on a floor model for five minutes is hardly a test run.

I did it. I went to Mattress Firm and now have been through three of their Beautyrest Beyond styles in a three-month period. You get 120 nights to try out your choice and request an exchange.

THE mattress store in my neighborhood.

I love Beautyrest, but times have changed. I used to buy from the Marriott or Peninsula hotels. But what I received from them was never what it felt like in the hotel room. I have decided NO mattress feels right in your own bedroom.
Mattress sellers are the mafia of retail. Once a store gets you signed up … there is NO getting out. You are in for life. All my friends have told me nightmare stories of mattress purchasing. Everyone ends up “settling” like a bad relationship.

I started with firm for my back.
I lasted a week. My back felt great, but I couldn’t sleep on my side as my shoulders and hips got slammed. I went to a pillow top soft; my back gave way and the middle section of the mattress sagged in a week. They then sent me a “factory mistake” by mistake, which was 10 inches too short.

Store window lures at Mattress Firm!
“Junk sleep”? No kidding!
More store promos!

I was feeling beyond Goldilocks and porridge too hot or cold. None of it was “Princess and the Pea.” I refused all memory, bamboo, Purple, or Tempur-Pedic fillers. I stopped listening to the hype of “reduced anxiety and depression,” “lowers heart disease” and “increases memory.” All I wanted was to be able to lay down and SLEEP. I don’t want to feel like I am sleeping on a padded park bench, sand, or God forbid a waterbed. And let’s stop with the adjustable numbers game which breaks in a month. Leave the adjustable frames to hospital beds, with exactitude on those levels.

Mattresses are supposedly a luxury item, but do we still even live in a luxurious time? The mattress industry is known for inflated prices, confusing branding and gimmicks to get customers to overpay! I get that I “made my bed” (paid too much) and now must lay in it. Decent mattresses are normally $3,000, but stores “will offer it” at $1,200. It should be a whole lot less. But we all play the game. I was exhausted dealing with all the deals! And I think all the brands are the same with different names; “Beyond,” “Recharge,” “Signature,” “Lyric Luxury.”

Me and the mattress should be more than 50% off!

I ended up having a stronger relationship with the delivery guys (who came and went three or four times). They were laughing at me and acted as if they were in on the joke from the very beginning. They all showed up on time and I began to wonder if they were purposely delivering the wrong mattress so we could keep playing the mattress round robin roulette forever.

I finally had to settle because I was worn out and burned up. I got the medium pillow top — a firm/soft combo (everyone settles for that). I still have to take Advil before I go to bed. I still have to put a pillow under my knees and shoulders. At this point, I actually long to “sleep like the dead.”

The final mattress delivery!

Recently I heard a story how Jack Nicholson never ever changed his mattress. In spite of all the women he slept with in his life, he supposedly told someone he loves seeing his own body indentation on the right side of the mattress. He found that “very comforting” through the years.

Now what lifelong mattress got Jack to this point?

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